- C: He's not a bad dad -
- E: BAD DADDYYYYY
“…and well, I’ve had a ride on a speed bike before.”
— aaaaand we’re 12 years old.
“I’ve been thinking and I think all of our boyfriends should be called the Fearful 5”
“The deer would be hanging in the garage and I used to roller skate around it”
“You said i could shoot a whole load”
“Doesn’t it look like I’m trying to pick her nose with my tongue?”
“If I had balls, I wouldn’t put them in there”
“It’s not hard it’s just a floppy thing.”
— Colleen (on her new windshield wiper)
“I’m sober so it’s okay if I get a ticket.”
— #logic Samantha
- Jenni: Are you trying to drunk text us dirty stuff?
- Colleen: I was, but autocorrect kept it clean.
“It’s not every Thanksgiving you get to define pixilated bukkake and road head for your mom.”
— Thank you Cards Against Humanity -Colleen
- Jenni (wanting to borrow Andrew's sweatshirt forever): Whyyyy don't we wear the same size?
- Andrew: Because if I was your size you wouldn't date me, and if you were my size I wouldn't date you.
- Lady walks up to our tight spot at the parade: Is this spot taken?
- Us: yeah, sorry we have more friends coming.
- Lady: Really? Can I just squeeze in?
- Erin: Is it just you?
- Lady: It's me and my son.
- Colleen: Sorry we have 5 possibly 6 more people coming.
- Lady while smiling: The Red Sox don't save space for anyone.
- Colleen deadpan: Uh, yeah they do.
- Lady horrified by response scoffs and storms off. Sorry lady, you need to wake up earlier or have better friends who do. : -)
- Torey: I look like an oddball without my hat on.
- Colleen: It's okay, Erin looks like an oddball with her brown hair on.
“You are a resealable bag! Reseal! It is your only job.”